my scrawlings

06:20 am

Life as it appears is still life as we know it. Hearts transfer hands with the quickness of a flounder's breath, and I only try to catch the wind in my fingertips. I'm a transient chained to one town, and I find both fault and comfort in this immobile mobility. With all the skills I've learned, I'd like to believe I've picked up a trade, but it's just skipping stones and each eventually sinks. I'm a logical man, so I'm not about to skim the bottom of the lake regathering my rocks, but rather I should hope to fill my pockets with newer, flatter, smoother ones so that maybe someday I can skip over oceans and anything else that presents itself as a challenge. But I don't pretend to know the future, nor does it scare me. I am not stuck in the current of other peoples paths, but rather I choose to make my own. I may not be able to part the waters, but I am patient enough to wait for the ripples to smooth so that I may skip my stones. 

11:58 pm

I no longer have a warrant for my arrest, after 2 long years. I find it amusing that my apartment in Quincy both starts and finishes alongside my life as an outlaw, haha. November 1st I move to Braintree and I think I'm going to be a cook at the Outback. I shall save up, abolish my debt to my former school, and build my credit back up so that I may open my store. Oh, and I got stabbed in the head! There was so much blood, it was crazy. I realized, though, that regardless of how much I try to avoid unusual events I seem to attract them. I'm comfortable with it, because I want to experience everything there is to experience. Right now I'm experiencing Mallrats and Little Debbie Oatmeal cookies, and it's pretty alright. I most look forward to taking a shower in the morning. Tah for now.

08:45 pm - It all started Wednesday morning..

Still aspiring for that much needed catch-up sleep from the 3rd/4th, I began my walk to work Wednesday morning with a distinct feeling like I needed a change. Much to my dismay, I soon realized maybe a planned change would have been more to my benefit. You see, my boss called and fired me over the phone after I'd already walked a good portion of the mile and a half to work. Sooo I walked back home, sent my resume out and fell asleep. Then I had a concert. It went pretty well, all in all, but there was an incident, and suffice to say that incident left someone injured, and that injury left us in the ER. She is alright thankfully. Still, I need to sign up for unemployment asap. I took a quick job painting a house, which should get me this months rent.. that'll give me 2 solid months to find a job. I got offered one, but I don't know if I can make the commute. We shall see?

So yeah, anyone interested in buying a slightly in need of repair acousitc electric Dean guitar,
A just like new 32" or 34" or something flat screen HD LG TV
A Nintendo Wii with 2 remotes, & 4 Games..
or.. pretty much anything I own?

Lemme know!

09:52 am

Just got this last night!

11:48 pm

By 2010, my goal is to have constructed a living space made from glass bottles. Because I do not think I can find someone who will just give me land, I will have to do this illegally in the woods somewhere I have yet to decide. Number 1: I need to know how illegal this would be if I get caught cutting down trees, clearing land, and building a place which will probably meet no ordinance codes whatsoever. It will be something similar to this, but probably way sweeter:

12:25 pm

Christ. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I'm not even entirely sure this was my decision. I don't know what I want anymore. Nothing feels comfortable, or even remotely sane. I feel worse now then when I started. It was supposed to have the opposite effect. I don't know what to think. I wish I could just leave. Maybe I just really needed a vacation. I can't even get fired. Why couldn't I have a stroke? Was this decision made for me? Was it the right decision? It doesn't feel right anymore. Fuck people and mal advice. Forgeddaboutit.

01:35 am

Andrew Jackson was an amazing man.



....Unless you were a Native American.

08:07 pm

There's some guy playing guitar and singing downstairs from my bedroom..

I am going to play back at him, and war will ensue.

07:17 pm

10:31 pm

It seems impossible to find the time to get away. I thought this would be the period in my life of surreal travel experience, and yet it's already almost impossible to get more than 2 days off. Let alone coincide those days with that of another person with wanderlust. I have this horrible urge to just be on the road for the rest of my life. I don't know how I would make money, but there's always something you can do. I just want to be in a place that is unfamiliar. The greatest feeling I've ever felt was waking up in a different state almost every day, and never knowing which one it was. My cousin died today, also. He died of the flu in the middle of Arizona. It allowed for me to remember how much I enjoyed Arizona. And Skip.

07:06 pm - Why is this the best commercial I've ever seen?

06:00 pm

I often wonder if people see the same when they look at colors. If you and I were looking at the same yellow footstool, would we perceive the color exactly alike, or would the hue differ slightly. Would it seem vibrant to us all, or do some people see a dim fact-simile. I think of this like I would a car accident.. in that so many people can perceive the same incident in different ways. We must not all think the same because we do not always interpret the same, even when given the same information as one another. This has always led me to believe there is no truth beyond honesty to your perception. An absolute truth would then be an unbiased average of coinciding information collected upon investigation of others. This is why we all must know yellow is yellow, regardless if we see it slightly different.

10:32 pm

Once, while on 2ce, I had the unique experience of actually feeling music as if it were a physical object. My friend and I would play a song, and the music would pour from the guitar, and float as if a scent into the air.. and the scent of his music mixed with the scent of mine, and it was like smelling breakfast coming from all the way downstairs when you wake up in the morning and you didn't have to go to school. It tasted good, and it was a pinkish-purple stream that stuck to the walls and left a feeling of contentment which lasted a long while. It was the feeling of comfort that a campfire full of songs and friends can bring. Like sitting in the abandoned military base on concrete that is surrounded by the skeleton of a former building, as we surround the home-made flame, and try to keep it going while we sang. And the long walk back to the car. The music on the ride home. Imagine if you could touch that.

12:17 am

In every new ache, I feel the eventuality of death. It isn't like sadness, but something more absolute. You grasp a sliver of a stiff wrist, and it's all of a sudden a tiny throbbing reminder of your own mortality. It isn't a feeling at this point. And then I begin to think about the others who will eventually taper off. What I will feel then. What will I wear at their wake, or will I even be alive still? And then every beautiful moment of my life white-washes in and out of my mind like waves to the shoreline- only foggy and still. I do not think of the moments I will miss in death, but rather that I will not be able to think of the ones I was fortunate to live. Every recollection is bittersweet. I love that these things have happened, and I love that they will continue to happen.. but I cannot escape thinking that someday I will not recollect them, or anything. I would rather conjure the most hurtful memories of my life then to be incapable of any thought at all. And then my body tingles from my legs and arms into my core, and I begin to feel numb. My last clear thought is usually wondering if this is the feeling of death, until I remember that in death one doesn't, rather cannot, feel. And then my vision slowly goes into blackness, from the outside into the center until I do not see, but I still feel a touch dizzy. For a few minutes I feel nothing, and I cannot think. And then I snap out of it. I shake the fear from my head and I try to convince myself that the assurance that there is a lot of life left is better than none at all. I tell myself I will face death when it approaches, and in my youth I will live as if life is infinite. But eventually.. I think of these things again. It is only once in a great while, and it doesn't leave any lasting emotion. I don't go to bed sad, and I certainly don't wake up thinking about it. It is just one moment, and in that moment I feel- and it is more intense than any feeling I have felt outside it. And then I break free, and life continues same as it was.
I think I was four, maybe five, the first time I remember going into this semi-conscious enactment of death. I thought I would grow out of it, but every so often it relives itself. And I do not know why, but for some reason I feel more appreciative of life for this. I feel that somehow, it makes me stronger. 

07:59 pm

I would rather not talk in mixed company. Honestly, I would rather not be in mixed company. I like couples and bunches, but I am uncomfortable with crowds. I used to sit in silence, and watch everything as it happened. I would only think about these things. I retained a lot more information, too. My memory was much clearer. I miss it, in that I miss being a part of the backdrop, like a stone on the ground who would only be picked up every so often by some person or so, then thrown again into anonymity. I didn't have many close friends, but I felt things more deeply, and acts of genuine kindness seemed more plausible. Each and every moment was more appreciated. I grew beyond it because I began depending on moments and kindness. I wanted to be picked up, and I never realized how important being part of the backdrop could have been. But it was there that I learned about everyone and everything. I knew how people worked, and why they laughed or cried. The more social I began to be, the less I understood. The more everyone seemed crazy, and no one seemed understandable. And then I would sacrifice my morals. Then I would like those I didn't like, and hate some because others did. I had never really hated anybody before. And now I talk when I shouldn't, or don't even want to. I say things, and wonder why I did. Other times I catch onto something that entertains me, and I take it as far as it goes. Often this is feeling the borders of comfort others feel.. I will say strange things, and they get odder until someone shows their confusion or disgust. Then, usually, I still don't stop. I try and exemplify in these statements that words are empty, and gross is a disposition, which is as easy to choose as anything else. I would very much like to be quiet again. I would sit, watch, and only put in when it was right. It meant more. I would like to be a better person. I always would like to be in a state of improvement. I do not believe in life after death. I want my morals back. I want to know what my values are.

08:03 pm

I was reading an article today which cited Genesis 1-2 as a prime example of God's example against same sex marriage, so I decided to read Genesis 1-2. From what I read, I interpret the passage as the beginning model. To be fruitful & multiply in order to create the earth.. but the earth has been created. Now we're overburdened by over population, to the point where same sex relations aren't a serious distraction from the continuation of our species. And the word of Genesis articulates it's use as a 'model for the beginning'. It explains that "in the beginning" this was the case, and makes no claim for the future.


But, also.. It says in Genesis 1 from passages 11 - 30 that God gives every seed-bearing and green plant to Man for consumption. Which lead me to wonder why it is that purist christians do not condone marijuana use. 

So I ask; why can the same passage be read literally toward God's view on gay marriage, but not toward marijuana?

I'm not a believer in the concept of a God. I just wonder why those who choose to take the Bible literally are capable of taking certain views literally while maintaining a contradictory view on other issues.

This is reason number 5 billion that it's insane that people still believe in the Bible.
Also, the Bible is really stories told by travelers to map the skies as a form of navagation... really.

11:01 pm - FENIX TX LOVES US

Nick just showed me their myspace.. we're on it!

http://www.myspace.com/fenixtx

The first video

06:54 pm

Man,

Voting was intense. I had to vote at Town Hall because that's where I am registered, and it was packed. I spoke to so many people that were between 30 and 40 that were voting for the first time in their lives. I can't believe that, but it's great that in such important times, even the ignorant understand the importance of their opinions right now. It shouldn't be any surprise who got my vote, but it was such a great feeling looking down at Question 2. I don't even smoke weed, but I'm absolutely sick of my friends having to bear a criminal record over something as menial as marijuana.

I'm watching the Colbert Report right now, and Wilco's performing. Jeff Tweedy is being interviewed by Steven Colbert and it's so strange. Wilco's like.. blowin' up lately. It's awesome. But I can't help but feel giddy thinking about a pill addicted rage addict goofing around with a political satirist on TV. What kind of world do we live in?

I need to brew more beer. I got a new bucket today, but I have to clean it out. I want to add my own spices, but I'm not sure at what part of the process I'm supposed to do that.. or exactly how to do that yet. Either way, my last beer was completely amazing and this next one will be too.

Also, things are bumpin' with ette. With the inclusion of Dodge as our drummer, and Pants on lapsteel.. oh and the harmonies... it's just awesome. We played the beachcomber the other night, and the sound was just amazing. They have such a good system.. I felt like we were listening to a recording.

Ok, back to Wilco on Colbert. Singing a song about Wilco and Colbert. This is hilarious. I wish I had this power.

12:05 am

I got a Ukelele and learned how to play it. Also, I brewed beer in my kitchen and it came out so completely amazing. However, Rachael and I are still awake, and I have to be at work real soon. Uh oh!

12:24 am

So, I'm planning on straightening out my warrant in New York sometime soon. I had planned to go a few thursdays from now, but it's not looking like I'm going to anymore. I found out that I have to appear before a judge, which makes sense. I just started thinking that I should know more about the possible outcomes. If I'm going to be detained for trial, that will probably fuck up stuff with my job/work. At my last trial they offered me a plea for $250 and 2 hours community service.. which is pretty good for a misdemeanor, but I feel angry about it because I didn't commit the crime. Still, I've had a warrant for like 6 months now, and that probably will mean that the offer is gone. Which could mean up to a year in prison. It probably won't, but still.. that'd kind of suck. So.. I've gotta figure that out more before I jump into getting that straight. I can't be bothered with this stuff when everything else is going so good.

I've come very close to being free of all debts. After I finish paying Eastern Nazarene this month or next month, I'll just be paying $51 a month to Salle Mae, and then I'll be completely debt-free. I did find out that I've got really good credit though, so that's good, too.