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my scrawlings

Jan. 18th, 2014

12:47 am

I've just been kind of floating along lately. Sometimes I land for a minute or two and think I should shake myself out of it. This is life, and it's all there is; so why coast? There's minutes, hours or the odd day where I can really connect to a moment and be 'in it' long enough to feel good or bad, but otherwise the majority of my time is spent projecting the image that everything is normal so that nobody will ask or spend time picking at me. I do find this is the best time to get real shit done. I'm turning my credit around like crazy, and I have gained new skills in music, painting, and building. I've met a few new people. Applied for some actual careers, too. I don't know.. it's all mostly positive when I do try and focus, so I let myself keep floating. I'm afraid it'll cause problems eventually though. Someone is going to care about me, and I won't even really be there to give that back. I'll want to, of course, but I'll just be up in the sky thinking about something else. I just don't really know how to warn anyone. "Hey, listen.. I'm almost constantly distracted by my inner dialogue. you're probably not boring. It's me. I'm weird."

The other thing is, I haven't written a song in like 2 years now. It isn't that I have less of an interest in music, but it's because i wrote two songs I really really genuinely liked, and I haven't had any ideas that held up to their standards. Nevermind that I used to write like 60+ a year. Macs were so much more equipped for a studio writer. I can't sit with a pen and paper, I need a four track at least. I need live monitoring, and active reverb. I am playing guitar for one of my favorite bands ever, so it's not like I'm out of the game.  I don't know. I should get back to floating.

Dec. 1st, 2011

02:58 am

Today I live in a house with two close friends and a black cat. Things have mostly petered out since I returned from Hawaii. Although I had a feeling this would happen come winter, it's still vaguely disappointing. There are 168 hours in a week, and I spent 60 of them working at a burrito restaurant, another 60 or so sleeping, and roughly 10 hours recording a new LP with my band. I'm not fully sure what I do with the other 38 hours. They're spaced too oddly throughout the week. Mostly I either read or watch documentaries. Every so often I have company, which I like. Kosta and Brenna, Kate, or occasionally Steve and/or Mary. I always eat sushi on my day off, and I always eat burritos when I work. That's mostly all I've eaten. My efforts at learning new instruments have hit speed-bumps. I bought a piano, but need to learn how to tune it. I bought a violin but need to reset the sound post and replace the bridge. I was given a motor scooter, but New England winters are far too harsh to dare attempt putting it on the road just yet. A friend of mine painted portraits of me and my band which I love. They hang above my bed as I lay in it. Recording is going swell; I'm most fond of one song we're doing as a tribute to a friend who had passed away. It's one of his, and I just feel compelled to share it with others. That is if others end up listening to our album as I hope. Many of my friends have moved away. A few years back Norm left to Korea, Mark and Steen to Hawaii. Recently Julian went to Seattle, and Steve to New York. I always remember my high-school age as having been involved in a web of friends/associates that was quite vast, though now I feel it's narrowed to only a handful. It only worries me because I am too in-my-head to 'make friends', especially at this age. I think maybe I'd like to, though. I made one new friend recently who's a lovely human being. We have long talks, which I feel like I haven't done in years with anybody. That was always my favorite part about new friendships. Well, enough rambles from me. 

Feb. 16th, 2011

11:46 pm

So I haven't had the chance to update what with the awful internet speeds here. However, things are pretty fantastic. I'm sitting with a group of varied ages singing stand by me in the crew mess. Today my friend will got a tattoo I drew. I've been designing a lot of tattoo's out here. I'm on my hour break for night shift. Going back in at midnight to bust that shit out. tomorrow is my friend charlies birthday and I have the night off in Kuai'i. Today I took a tour of the Kona Brewery on the big island. That place is fantastic. I think next week in Kona we're renting scooters and going snorkling. Oh and I finally got to see Mark O in Mauii! Life's been dishes and beaches, man. So fun. I saw jurrassic park!

Jan. 21st, 2011

10:44 pm

Week 1 has been fun so far. The flights were pretty long, but I made it here safe. Met a nice musician girl at LAX who was on her way to Mexico. The past week has just been classes and exploring. So far we did CPR, First Aid, Personal Survival, Emergencies.. all sorts of stuff. Oh, and there's a GI outbreak onboard, which I guess is pretty uncomfortable. I went to a great farmers market in Kona, got amazing coffee, too. The big island was the best so far. I bought a Ukelele and played on the beach with a couple of new friends all night. They say it's really dangerous for us though. Islanders there HATE NCL employee's and attack us if we're alone at night. But it seemed cool, nobody minded us playing. Some kids played kickball on the beach in front of us. OH and I went up the 14th floor to see an active volcano as we passed by. The lava was so cool, you could feel the heat from it. Lava squirted up from the ground a few times, and there was steam everywhere. Also, dolphins swam aside our shore vessel as we were shuttling to the Lani'i. Probably spelling that totally wrong.

Tomorrow is the practical fire exam. It's our last test, but it's bad ass. We have to put on full fire gear and fight a fire with the hose. Then climb through a zero visibility maze. It's pitch black and we have to find the top exit. Then we have to do the liferaft exersizes. It's all going to be crazy. I'm nervous about the hose though. that shit is heavy, and if you let go and that thing flys it could mess you up.

Hopefully I pass so I can stay here for a while. I may sign up for a second contract if I can get out of the Galley position and into the hotel.

Jan. 12th, 2011

03:27 am

So did myspace.com just give up? It hasn't worked for me since the 'new improved' version started. Not like.. 'Oh I don't like it', I mean nothing actually is showing up past the login page. Oh well, haha. If I still had the e-mail account I used to start the page I would have deleted the myspace by now anyhow. It's kind of a bummer that there are people out there I can only get in contact with via profiles. Though on the flipside, I detest that there are people out there who are eeirly ungoogle-able. It's 2011 or so, shouldn't eeeverybody somehow have been sucked into the internet vortex either directly or indirectly?

I wish I had the money to subscribe to Vice. I wish I worked for Vice, but I have a feeling one of their journalists will eventually be executed on film or something. They go to some heady places. After the Vice guide to travel, I am absolutely terrified of Liberia. Specifically General Butt Naked. Yeah, that's what they call this dude. Although, they still eat humans in some places there. So.. maybe I'd stop in.

I feel there was a point to be made in this post. Ah, yes. NCL logging. So I requested a suggesting packing list, thinking I'd be proactive. As it turns out I was supposed to have been issued one, and essenially everything I had considered packing wasn't allowed (ie my guitar, most of my clothes, my suitcase..) so I had to shop for clothing for the first time in.. well since like 9th grade. Yeah, that was also an epiphany I had. I haven't really paid for clothing in that long. Kind of awesome. I also bought sneakers! I haven't owned sneakers in almost as long, whereas I wear fancy pants shoes because I like polishing stuff once a week. So yeah, the bag has to be collapsable. I still have to go grab one of those, but it's like a dandruff shampoo commercial outside. Get some T-Gel Mother Nature!

The real frustration is that when I asked for an itinerary, I was told in all likelihood I won't receive one until friday (though I know I leave saturday). I mean, I'll be packed and in the general Boston area on Friday, but it'd be helpful to know what time my flight is. If it's at 5am I'd have to leave for the airport the night before because the T doesn't run nights.. but I'll figure it out.

All that said, I am so beyond excited and nervous to leave. I can't sleep. I'm spending tomorrow with my Mom, thursday with my sister, thursday night with Joey and Julian.. Hopefully I'll get to see Norm while he's back from Korea.. have to meet Paulene to get her pants back to her, and hopefully see Neil. Plus there's plans to go to the Harpoon brew tour before I depart.

Did you know gel shoe inserts aren't allowed on planes anymore, yet a 7 inch screwdriver is totally cool in your carry-on? I find that really fucked up. Who needs a screwdriver in-flight?

Jan. 5th, 2011

12:33 pm - Moving Forward

NCL called me last night with a flight date for my STCW training. I'm leaving for Honolulu on the 15th!

This doesn't give me very much time to make a list of things I will need to bring. Or a list of people I would like to see before I go. Who cares though, I'm going to Hawaii before this weather swallows me whole and spits out my big toes. Actually on sunday the CEO of the company was on undercover boss on ABC. I saw a commercial so I decided to tune in, which I'm glad for because he was on my boat. So I got to see a sneak peek of what my boat looks like, as well as some of the adventures I can have on board. I'm especially excited that the crew food doesn't look that bad, and the gym looks amazing. I still don't know if I can bring my guitar or not.

In other news, on New Years Eve some couch surfers contacted me saying they'd like to find something to do to bring in the new year. I invited them to come see Jason Anderson's Dress to Impress party/concert. All the while thinking they said they were australian. As it turns out, they came in speaking in thick accents. They were austrian. There's no proper way for me to describe how funny that mixup ended up being, but I assure you it was. Still, Heidi and her sister wound up being amazing girls, and they were a lot of fun to hang out with. We all danced until 2011 reared it's head. Fantastic! Also, they want to host me in Austria if I can ever get there. Exciting!

And now I'm off to get my hawaii hair did, and to hopefully share drinks with the best of them before I depart.
Until then!

Dec. 21st, 2010

12:48 am

Finding employment when you actually need employment is a bummer. It's weird, when I have cash I tend to have endless opportunity to find more cash. But here where I'm marking time till I leave in march, I can't find employment to save my life. Really, it would save my life. Eventually I'm going to run out of my money stash. Meh. The problem arose when my father took an unexpected trip to Arizona, and decided he didn't trust me to sleep in his apartment while unattended. So I've hopped my way to the middle of nowhere, and there isn't an establishment in site to gainfully employ me. I will have to make plans to pilgrimage back to Boston eventually, surf couch and find a temp job.. but it's kind of fun here. I'm learning to Crochet, however slow it may be going. I taught myself a few clinch new recipies involving spinach, tortellini, and awesome. Plus I'm getting some long overdue sewing done. To be honest, I'm starting to second guess my attatchment to technology altogether. My phone seldom gets used anyhow. Plus I've run into a few folks these past weeks, and I almost forgot how exciting that is. But I like being tucked away in livejournal land, still. Not many people find me here.

Julian, herein refered to as J. Portugal, talked me into a class he put together last week. It was tremendously fun. We learned the basics of machining. A drill press, a lathe, and a mill I believe. Sprout is a pretty cool collective, learning annex, or what have you. J. Portugal is talking to some people about putting me together a road bike so I can get around town easier, hopefully helping my employment situation. Plus J. Portugal and I have been putting together a set of Busking songs so we can start generating money on our own schedule, doing what we enjoy. If it is at all promising, I think we will try and rideshare/hitch south and pay our way as street musicians. Just a bit of a vacation before I go out to Hawaii.

Also, I've decided to give aliases to my friends and associates. I don't know why. It's too late to talk me out of it.

Dec. 6th, 2010

09:57 am

Please; if there's anybody out there who knows how to knit sufficiently enough to attempt this... I'll bake you an angel cake. Or Cookies. Or give you a massage.. just make this happen for me. I NEED one.

Nov. 27th, 2010

03:54 am

Well I did some research and discovered that everyone who gets hired at NCL goes through active hold and that it usually lasts 4 months. Its a bit of a bummer, but I'm glad to know I'm not actuall being blown off. Unfortunately it means I will have to resume job hunting ASAP and find a decent job I won't mind quitting come March-ish. Lame. I might still try and get some travelling in while I can.

Oct. 18th, 2010

08:28 am

All of my appendages are rubber from the painkillers I took in hopes of sleeping before sunrise. I usually find that writing in this state is just bliss. Not because it will be prolific or even coherent, but because even trivial words roll like raindrops, and sentences become fluid. Lately I've replaced interaction with inspiration. I've been watching a lot of moves, shows, mostly documentaries.. and I've been reading a new book every couple days. The inspiration I feel is empty in it's threat. It's more like an inspiration to dream of things I'd do if I had the means. (I've just decided the subject of what I'd like to write about.. see, fluid is fun!)

I would like to write (for the sake of posterity) about what's been inspiring me lately. H.P. Lovecraft was a quick obsession. That's what I do. It's like lightning, I just surge with a desire to know everything about one thing, or person, and then by the next bolt, I've found the next thing to power-learn about. Anyway. Lovecraft is an author of fantastic horror, with overlaying themes that almost seem like an ethics code in a weird way. Like.. many times his characters will have to pay for injustices that their lineage has at some point been responsible for. Even generations later, your blood is still embedded in debt. I don't think I'm explaining that well, so I'll move on. I accidentally found Lovecraft because I was watching Army of Darkness and in the Evil Dead series they always involve the Necronomicon. The Necronomicon is a book which is supposed to be the book of the dead. It's hard to accurately explain while backpeddling so I'll just keep moving. I remembered also hearing of the book in an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which is weird 'cause that show is just bizarre. But in that I recalled the book being mentioned in several places, I decided to learn about that. It turns out it was a fictional book that had never been written, but rather it had been conceived by H.P. Lovecraft as like a code of the dead for reference in his stories. He had inspired so many writers of his time, that he came up with a rough outline of the concept so that when other writers used his concept, they would do so properly, thus adding to the mystery of the book and skewing the lines of reality and fiction. Speaking from nearly a century later, it kind of worked. People have published false versions of the Necronomicon.. artists have rendered what it's original form must have been.. his fiction became some peoples reality. Anyway, so I decided to read Lovecraft, and he is intense. His horror is simple but in great detail. And it isn't simple because he wasn't trying.. it's simple because there was nothing really like it before him, so he was setting his own bar.. pushing his own limit one rung at a time. So, yeah.. I dig him.

Last night I watched an amazing documentary about Henry Darger called In The Realms Of The Unreal. Basically this was a man who through childhood was just.. mishandled. He grew up to loathe humans, so he invented a world where he could relate. A 15,000+ page novel about a world that the earth revolved as a moon. Children were the adults, and little girls were the men, in a sense. They were engaged in a long war against child enslavers and monsters. He painted portraits, made collages, drew comics, and wrote music all corresponding to his novel. He listed the finances of the war, the casualties. All in great detail. truly a different world. But it all loosely related to his own life at the times he would write. I can't possibly explain it. Anyway, nobody ever knew. He left his apartment to die in a hospice, and his landlord came to ask about his belongings. He said he could keep them. When the landlord found Darger's creations.. he was speechless. He decided to share it with the world, and Darger's genius was only realised post-humously. People think he may have been schitzo, but regardless.. he created a masterpiece unlike anything else ever made. So amazing.

There is many more, but I don't feel like writing anymore so much as drinking my delicious coffee, and perhaps enlisting another movie to watch.

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